


Abysmal

by NorthStar



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Apocalypse, Starship family (mentioned), part two of i need to stop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 18:57:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8634160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NorthStar/pseuds/NorthStar
Summary: And as Hoseok glances at the storms raging in his eyes, he thinks it's almost a relief that it looks like Kihyun won't be able to last very long.Except he does.





	

**Author's Note:**

> WARNINGS AND SPOILERS: major character death mentioned and described, brief depictions of injuries, violence, blood, abuse of disabled, anxieties. Just, it's not a fun time.
> 
> Happy belated birthday, Kihyun! This was supposed to be up yesterday, but because I'm a turd and it's a busy time, this has been slightly delayed. It's not the birthday gift you want, nor the one you need, but it's all I've got. Sorry about that, you precious little mushroom.
> 
> Basically a The Road AU. No, not that The Road, the Cormac The Road. Or, you know, ambiguous post-apocalyptic, whatever floats your boat. Another one of my WIPs that was supposed to be roughly 15k shorter. I started working on it again yesterday because I thought it was the only thing I could finish before Kihyun's birthday. So much for that.
> 
> I think I fucked up the formatting a little bit as well because I am still a technologically inept idiot.
> 
> Please enjoy?

When Hoseok first meets Kihyun, he looks at him with pity, because it seems quite obvious that he isn’t going to last very long.

 

“Nice to meet you,” he says, nonetheless, and smiles at Kihyun’s crystalline eyes trailing in the direction of his voice. “I’m Hoseok.”

 

“Hoseok,” Kihyun repeats and holds out a bruised hand. “I’m Kihyun.”

 

Hoseok looks at the hand, considering the bruises and scratches before grabbing it with his own. The handshake is cold, tired, but surprisingly strong, and Hoseok finds himself glancing back up at the pale eyes.

 

But then Minhyuk comes over and puts an arm around Kihyun’s shoulder, guiding him to the fire and fetching an old blanket to throw over his lap, and Hoseok shakes his head instead.

 

 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 

 

The sea levels aren’t rising as quickly anymore, and Hoseok hasn’t felt even the slightest tremor from the ground in at least six weeks. The weather is gradually getting colder, but other than that, it’s like they are stuck in a stasis where every day blends into the next and they keep up the struggle just to stay alive.

 

The longer they go without vicious claws attacking them from the very foundation of the world itself, the worse the inevitable fallout is going to be. That’s what they assume, anyway, because there are no free favours anymore.

 

But eventually even that anticipation fades into a dull reminder in the back of their minds in quiet moments of contemplation, a slight knot coiling around empty stomachs, but otherwise pushed away and ignored. It’s not like they can do anything but be prepared, anyway.

 

“We shouldn’t be scared to be alive,” Minhyuk says cheerfully around the fire one night, and though no one contradicts the statement, they all hear the false lilt to his tone.

 

Instead, Hyunwoo hums in consideration and examines their inventory. Again. It’s not much, and it doesn’t take a lot of time.

 

Hyungwon suggested they find an old structure to make home for the winter – a building, or even a cave – anything that would keep them safe from the unforgiving forces scratching at their backs. But settlement is dangerous, and it’s a danger they have tempted before with less than favourable outcomes. There is always the risk of getting stuck and being forced to wait for the inevitable, not to mention the rogue bands who, unlike themselves, have turned to unscrupulous methods in order to stay alive.

 

Staying alive, for what, exactly? It’s a question Hoseok asks himself from time to time, when he stares at the dead, stunted trees grown grey and dusty, the decay of lifeless bodies stripped to the bone, and the taunting waves always there, in the periphery of his vision. He wonders why he’s holding on.

 

Then he turns around and sees Jooheon discreetly try to shove some of his food into Changkyun’s bowl, Minhyuk’s grand gestures and obnoxious jokes, with Hyungwon’s exasperated pleas to make him shut up, and Hyunwoo watching them all with that little, fond smile.

 

It’s not an answer. But it’s enough to dispel the doubts, for a little while longer.

 

 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 

 

Minhyuk is awfully vague about the circumstances in which he found Kihyun. Or maybe there just simply isn’t a lot to tell.

 

“He was wandering by himself at the beach,” he says when Jooheon asks, and puts his arm on Kihyun’s shoulder. He does that a lot. Touching Kihyun. Dragging him around, leading him, petting him. “He looked harmless enough, so I thought I’d give him a hand.”

 

What he doesn’t say out loud though, is clear in the flicker of concern as he glances over at the clouded blue shades in Kihyun’s eyes. He doesn’t say it out loud, but the little twitch in his smile speaks volumes.

 

“Wandering by the beach?” Changkyun frowns, and Kihyun’s head turns in his direction. “Do you have a death wish?”

 

Kihyun just shrugs and smiles at him. It confuses their youngest, but Hoseok understands, at least a little. He glances down at Kihyun’s mottled hands again, the bruises slowly fading as the scars knit together day by day.

 

It’s a bit disconcerting that Kihyun didn’t have anything with him – no backpacks, no food, weapons or anything – save for that small knife in his belt, mostly concealed by a practical jacket about two sizes too big. It sets off all sorts of alarm bells in Hoseok’s head, mostly about their already diminishing supplies. Another mouth to feed, but no input to their stock.

 

It’s almost a relief that Kihyun doesn’t look like he can handle much.

 

He’s small, thin, almost dwarfed by the jacket with his narrow shoulders and skinny wrists. Not a fighter, not a builder. Something more frail. Then there is the issue about his eyes… Hoseok doesn’t see him surviving the next few weeks of declining temperatures, much less anything more dramatic, if anything should occur. Their supplies don’t have to support Kihyun for long.

 

It’s such a cynical way of thinking about other people, and Hoseok would hate himself for it, but he has learned. Hardened. He knows that the world has grown unforgiving, and so he has to be, too. Minhyuk still has a bleeding heart and wouldn’t look at a stray without taking him in, regardless of the consequences, and Hoseok knows it’s just his way of helping. Of coping. But he suspects even Minhyuk knows where this is headed, and maybe that’s why he brought Kihyun into their little circle – an act of mercy, out of place but appreciated nonetheless.

 

When Hoseok looks over at Kihyun, at his small smile and friendly laughs, he thinks it’s a shame. Maybe in another time, another world, they could have been friends.

 

But he has to look after his own first. He has lost too many of them to give up now, and if Kihyun can’t keep up, Hoseok won’t carry him through the flames. It’s do or die.

 

He still allows himself to feel bad for Kihyun.

 

 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 

 

Hoseok wakes up to light streaming through the tent flap, and it takes him a second to figure out why that’s weird. He was supposed to be woken up to take the shift sometime before sunrise, and while the light isn’t terribly bright, it’s as good as it’s going to get. They have gotten used to the shades of grey.

 

He tries to think – who was supposed to do the shift before him? He could have sworn it was Hyungwon, but when he rolls over, Hyungwon is snoring softly behind him. Hyunwoo, who started the night, is also stretched out noiselessly by their feet.

 

“What the hell,” Hoseok mumbles to himself and sits up quietly. He can still hear the little crackle from their fire between the two tents, but otherwise everything sounds quiet. He sneaks out of the sleeping bag as silently as he manages and crawls outside.

 

Kihyun is the one sitting by the fire, half curled up in a ragged blanket and head turned towards the sky, as if he’s watching it. He looks content, almost peaceful, and it’s an odd sight in the midst of the desolation around them.

 

He turns with a smile as Hoseok sits down beside him, and somehow it feels like he already knows who came out.

 

“Hi,” he says softly, and his voice carries velvet soft in the soft breeze. Hoseok likes it.

 

“Good morning,” he says back as he stares into the cold eyes. So different from his voice, Hoseok has learned. “How long have you been up?”

 

“Since…” Kihyun pauses, scrunches his nose a little, and it looks strangely adorable. “Hmm, I’m not sure, I sat with Hyunwoo-hyung for a while, but he seemed tired, so I told him I could finish his time.”

 

“That’s got to be six hours ago, at least,” Hoseok frowns and looks at Kihyun a little bit closer, but he seems unfazed. “You should have woken one of us up to take over for you.”

 

He refrains to voice the concern that, what if something happened and Kihyun didn’t notice? What if they were ambushed and caught unaware because Kihyun was unable to keep watch properly? Hyunwoo must have trusted him, but Hoseok is not that easy to please.

 

It’s nothing personal. It’s just an objective concern, logical. Pragmatic.

 

“Has it really been that long?” Kihyun mumbles a little, almost to himself, but his head is turned towards Hoseok.

 

“Yeah,” Hoseok nods, out of instinct. “It’s morning now, the sun’s up.”

 

“Ah, well,” Kihyun’s smile widens a little. “I guess time ran away for me. And it gets kind of hard to notice the light when you don’t really see anything.”

 

That’s a lie. Hoseok has heard Kihyun tell Changkyun how he can distinguish the passing of time by the sounds of the waves, the shifts in the air around them, humidity, temperature – all those tiny changes no one else really notices because they are too busy worrying about everything else.

 

“Besides, I wasn’t tired. I figured you could all use the rest, so maybe I’m not completely useless after all.”

 

Hoseok looks up sharply at that, but Kihyun’s expression hasn’t changed. He’s facing the fireplace, but he is still smiling and the little pull by the corner of his eye is more mischievous than anything.

 

Still, it’s unsettling. Hoseok never wanted to blame Kihyun for anything or make him feel like a burden – and he thought he had done an okay job at hiding his reservations until now.

 

“You’re not useless,” he says, out of courtesy or sympathy, maybe, but he winces at the forced tone coating his own words.

 

“No, it’s okay, I kind of seems useless,” Kihyun shrugs. “It makes sense to believe that. But I can pull my own weight, don’t worry about that.”

 

And the way he says it, with such conviction, confidence – there is nothing hopeful or determined about his voice, but it comes out as a statement of fact, and Hoseok is tempted to believe him. But there is still something holding Kihyun back, and he knows exactly what it is.

 

A will to live.

 

Kihyun’s words tell Hoseok that he is able to live.

 

Kihyun’s voice tells him that he doesn’t want to.

 

Hoseok doesn’t have anything to say to that.

 

 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 

 

Kihyun makes it through the first couple of weeks without signs of distress, and Hoseok is forced to consider that he has actually survived until now, maybe on his own, and maybe he isn’t quite as fragile as he initially assumed. His very presence indicates that he even got through that last, harsh winter where their group lost one of their own and spent months trying to nurse their wounds.

 

It’s thought-provoking, but he doesn’t ask. It feels like an implicit insult, maybe, especially since Kihyun has apparently picked up on Hoseok’s lack of faith in his abilities.

 

But he still looks so… Vulnerable.

 

His cheekbones are still prominent, sharp and pale, and now that the bruises on his hands have faded to a muted grey, the only signs of colour are in his dead, icy blue eyes.

 

Ironically.

 

Maybe that’s the most unsettling part.

 

Minhyuk and Changkyun have taken to guiding him around, holding his hands and explaining the terrain or situations to him. And that’s what Hoseok was afraid of – the excess energy used to accommodate someone weaker, their concern shifting from themselves to an insecure newcomer.

 

But while Kihyun accepts their assistance gratefully and humbly, he never seeks it out.

 

He walks around their temporary camps slowly, but easily, changing directions whenever he comes too close to the fire or the tents, although he has been caught unaware by stray rocks or Minhyuk’s flailing limbs a couple of times.

 

Hoseok has to admit. It’s admirable.

 

But while it’s okay for now, when challenges are minimal and danger seems content to lurk around unknown corners, he doesn’t know how well Kihyun will function once they actually start to struggle. When the ground rebels beneath them and the waters threaten to swallow them, when the cold comes creeping along with heartless bandits and ferocious predators.

 

 Hoseok likes Kihyun, could allow himself to grow fond of him.

 

If he could view Kihyun as one of them.

 

 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 

 

They have started to move South, where the risk of malevolent natural phenomena is larger, but the temperature more manageable. Nowhere is safe, in the end, and after Changkyun started coughing one particularly chilly morning, Hoseok and Hyunwoo made a decision. They would rather take their chances with unknown powers than freeze into the mountainside up here.

 

But the sea has moved far beyond its original shores, and it makes navigation and traveling a lot harder. They see tree tops peeking out from between frothy tides, beaches made out of rubble and drowned bridges. Most boats have either sunk or been scavenged by luckier groups, so they are stuck with their own two feet.

 

“What do you think?” Hyunwoo stops to ask the group as they reach a hilltop. “Do you want to go over the mountain or around the slopes on the North side? It’s probably going to take longer, but it’s not as vertical and might be less exposed. There are still some copses down there, if I’m not mistaken.”

 

“But doesn’t it look like the road around is submerged as well?” Jooheon frowns. “I suppose we could follow the ridge, but it’s too steep. We’d have to go down, and if it’s flooded, we’ll lose a lot of time trying to double back.”

 

“At least we would have some sort of respite if we go around,” Minhyuk argues. “There are no places to stop and rest if we go straight over the mountain. Unless we find a cave, we’ll have to cross most of it in one go, and what happens when it gets dark – it looks quite rocky at the top.”

 

Hoseok looks at Kihyun. While the others discuss the landscape painted before him, he is facing the sea behind them, his hair softly ruffled by the wind and his eyes closed. The look on his face is still unreadable, at least to Hoseok, but if he was to guess from the slumped shoulders, casual grip on the straps of his backpack and slow breaths, Hoseok would say he appears relaxed.

 

Of course Kihyun doesn’t have any opinions on this. It’s not like he is any position to evaluate the various options. 

 

The notion nearly worries him, because he wonders how Kihyun will adapt to the various paths. Obviously, the way around would be easier for someone without eyes to guide their movements, to calculate steps and treacherous environments, for someone who can hardly predict their surroundings until he actually interacts with them.

 

Why isn’t Kihyun pointing that out, at least?

 

_I’m not completely useless._

Hoseok’s mouth closes. He didn’t realize he’d opened it.

 

“We’ll take the North road around the mountain.”

 

He says it before he can think too hard about the implications, and the others fall quiet, looking at him with curious, but deferring looks. Hoseok chooses not to think too hard about that either.

 

Later, when they have descended from the first top and found their way into the shadows of the larger mountain as they make their way around the base with the waves lapping at them from one side and a steep incline at the other, Hoseok defends the rear again and contemplates the shifting dynamics of their group in silence.

 

Something has changed.

 

He knows why, but he’s not sure how.

 

“Hoseok-hyung,” Kihyun’s soft voice calls Hoseok’s attention, and he instinctively looks up. Kihyun is letting himself fall back to walk besides him, looking as if he is searching for something until Hoseok gives a noise of acknowledgement.

 

He is getting along with Kihyun. Strangely, the small man seems able to read Hoseok’s moods better than anyone, even if they have only known each other for a short while, and though there is a certain air of mystery around Kihyun still, Hoseok always feels safe around him. Safe – and content.

 

“Thank you… For earlier,” Kihyun says, slowly, and his eyes are directed somewhere in front of them. Somewhere that looks like nothing to Kihyun, but the back of Hyungwon’s head to Hoseok.

 

Hoseok frowns a little. “I don’t know what you mean.”

 

“You made the call. Saying that we were going around North. Thank you.”

 

“Oh.” He brings a hand up to rub at his jaw a little. “Yeah, I… I didn’t do it for you, though.”

 

“If you say so,” Kihyun smiles, and turns towards Hoseok as he does so, making sure the gesture shows. Hoseok appreciates that. “But going over the mountain would probably have been better. We’re wasting time like this, and time is precious these days.”

 

“I made the decision I thought was best for the group,” Hoseok says, steadily. “I’m glad my choice makes you happy.”

 

“Oh no, I didn’t say that,” Kihyun waves him off immediately, and there is a strange, twisted quality to his words. “I’m just… Appreciating your plan.”

 

It’s sufficiently cryptic for Hoseok to remain silent until Kihyun sighs and brushes a hand against his arm.

 

“You don’t have to be accommodating,” he says, almost admonishingly, but his tone remains dangerously light. “Keep doing what’s best for the group. _All_ of the group.”

 

This time Hoseok frowns and eyes Kihyun almost accusingly. His glare goes unnoticed, of course, but he imagines Kihyun shrinking a little under the scrutiny. “I _did._ ”

 

“Oh.” Kihyun’s expression goes thoughtful then, he pauses and seems to ponder his next words carefully.

 

He better, Hoseok thinks.

 

“Well, thank you.”

 

Hoseok blinks.

 

But Kihyun is already speeding up again, walking away from Hoseok to almost run into Hyungwon’s back a few yards ahead, but the beanstalk hears the rustling and turns around to straighten him out, and Hoseok is left alone again.

 

His thoughts are dangerously jumbled.

 

 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 

 

The thing about Kihyun is that he is naturally easy to like.

 

At least for Hoseok.

 

He has a comfortable presence, and he always does his best to take care of the groups in whatever way he can. Rubbing out the sore muscles in Hyunwoo’s back, keeping Minhyuk company when he just needs someone to laugh at his puns and awful stories, engaging Hyungwon in thoughtful discussions, and teaching Jooheon and Changkyun little tips and tricks to make their lives a little easier.

 

With Hoseok, he just sits there.

 

Doesn’t tell him to cheer up or forget things from the past or live in the moment.

 

He smiles at him, and it’s enough to calm Hoseok’s nerves when the sky threatens to fall down on them, when the waves beat a little bit too close and the Northern wind drives a cold through their spines. Kihyun smiles, and Hoseok is reminded that maybe, maybe there are ways to make it through another day, another week, another year.

 

It’s a comforting thought.

 

They sit next to each other, only exchanging the occasional remark or witty comment, and Hoseok allows himself to relax instead of worrying about things beyond his control and the fights he has already lost.

 

He says as much one day, dropped in casually like any other statement he could have made about the weather, Minhyuk’s jokes, the dry qualities of the sticks he’s picking up.

 

Kihyun laughs at him then, warmly, and finds Hoseok’s hand on the ground, taking it in his in a warm, gentle grip.

 

Hoseok doesn’t mind.

 

It feels nice.

 

 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 

 

It’s raining and it’s wet and Hoseok sort of hates it. Between the already caking mud and dust collecting on the ground, everything becomes slippery and treacherous, and suddenly every step is another challenge. Not to mention the darkness provoked by low, black clouds hanging over them threateningly, and the waves beating at their backs encouraged by the fuel from above. The only upside is that they get to replenish their water resources, and what little vegetation is left finally gets some sustenance.

 

Still, the cons seem to outweigh the pros at the moment.

 

They are moving, because Hyungwon claimed to see an alcove beneath a crumpled mess of fallen concrete and bricks in the distance, and shelter sounds preferable to an attempt at setting up the tents in the muddy ground and burning rain.

 

The way South is proving to be just as tough as anticipated, and the vicious weather is picking up the longer they walk, but at least they are staving off the cold for a little while longer. It’s all about the silver linings these days, and Hoseok and Hyunwoo like to think that they made the right call. So far, it seems alright.

 

The rain is going to hit regardless of where they are.

 

Changkyun is leading Kihyun by the hand further ahead, muttering complaints about the weather that perfectly captivates Hoseok’s feelings about their situation. But Kihyun is laughing, despite it all, pinching Changkyun’s cheek and calling him pet names that seem oddly inappropriate for the situation. Changkyun whines, of course, but Hoseok thinks it’s cute.

 

Usually, Minhyuk is the only one attempting to brighten their spirits in darker moments.

 

But, Hoseok supposes, Kihyun lives exclusively in darkness, so perhaps the metaphor is lost on him.

 

He notices it again once they have scrambled under the old blocks of withered concrete, threatening to fall down on them soon, but cosy enough otherwise, and Kihyun and Hyunwoo are tending to the little fire they’ve got going.

 

It’s almost domestic and it’s weird, but Hoseok likes the change.

 

Kihyun proves to be a great cook and creates food that actually has a flavour out of virtually nothing at all, much to the delight of Minhyuk and Jooheon, and Hoseok can’t say he’s displeased by the development either.

 

They end up against the slanted wall together, afterwards, and Hoseok is playing with Kihyun’s short fingers as he watches Changkyun and Jooheon sort through discarded crates a little distance off. He doesn’t know what Kihyun is thinking about, but it could have been anything. He’s still not very good at reading Kihyun, even though he feels like Kihyun has him all figured out already.

 

“Thanks for dinner,” he says eventually, and Kihyun flexes his fingers teasingly in Hoseok’s grip.

 

He pouts and straightens them out again, almost forcibly, and Kihyun chuckles.

 

“As always, it’s my pleasure,” he says, because it’s true, this isn’t the first time he’s cooked for them, but it never ceases to amaze Hoseok. There are so many layers to Kihyun, and every time he peels something off, he discovers something new, something likeable.

 

“Like, in general, though,” he reiterates quickly, picking at the dirt on one of Kihyun’s fingernails. “Thanks for being so… Good to the kids. They can be a handful, but they’re precious.”

 

“They really are,” Kihyun hums in agreement, smiling, and even the dead fog in his eyes twist a little happier. It’s strange, but fascinating, and Hoseok almost lets the hand drop to look at them fully. “They wouldn’t be anywhere without you, though.”

 

“They’ve got Hyunwoo-hyung.”

 

“Hyunwoo-hyung needs you, though.”

 

“Yeah, well,” Hoseok considers this for a second. “That’s the only thing that’s kept me sane. Kept me around, really. I don’t know what else there is to hang on for.”

 

“Hmm.” Kihyun makes an agreeing noise, and Hoseok gets that feeling again, the one that Kihyun knows exactly what he’s talking about. Knows exactly how lost he is, how much he questions every day and every breath.

 

Before he can think twice about it, before he can question the impulse falling over him, Hoseok leans in plants a soft kiss on Kihyun’s cheek.

 

Kihyun turns to him immediately, surprised, but not protesting. Hoseok knows the twist is for his sake only, Kihyun doesn’t need to shift around to _look_ at him like most people would, but he supposes it’s a polite habit, and it’s oddly endearing.

 

How he behaves like he is no different than the rest of them, even when he is.

 

He expects Kihyun to question the kiss, but surprisingly, he doesn’t say anything.

 

Instead, he smiles, and his hand searches out Hoseok’s.

 

It’s still nice.

 

 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 

 

Like the rest of them, Kihyun’s body has visible scars and detriments from ages on the road, trying to escape a looming fate.

 

Sharp angles and jutting bones, with pale, dry skin and no fat to insulate against the creeping cold. Behind tattered clothing and big backpacks, their limbs are coated in scratches, gorges, bumps and dishevelled flesh, never particularly attractive or comforting.

 

But Hoseok still thinks there is something alluring about Kihyun. Something that draws him in, a moth to fire, but there could never be any harm in the smaller boy. Maybe it has to do with the deft gentleness to his fingers, the strange heat in the dead ice in his eyes, or the effortless way he straightens his back and endures whatever the world has attacked him with since before he met their company.

 

It has nothing to do about the sensual appeal of Kihyun’s body. Truthfully, Hoseok is more enticed by his face – he loses track of time when he stares at Kihyun, and Kihyun never calls him out on it, but merely turns gleaming eyes towards him, casting an ethereal illusion over Kihyun’s entire existence. It’s comforting. Never awkward, never hesitant, just natural.

 

But it’s more about the allusive warmth and familiarity that Kihyun exudes.

 

A natural piece melding into Hoseok like his arm, his breath, his senses. Kihyun fits into all of it and feels absolutely right.

 

Kihyun understands.

 

There are a lot of things Hoseok doesn’t know about Kihyun. And there are a lot of things Kihyun doesn’t know about Hoseok.

 

But they share something, in this obliterated, destructive world.

 

 A loss – something missing.

 

And then maybe it’s not, anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 

 

They are hiding in one of the tents, an early night when the others still take advantage of whatever natural light remains to bask in a calm afternoon outside.

 

Hoseok is busy mapping out the lines and contours of Kihyun’s body beneath layers of clothing, beneath the shields, behind the walls of safety.

 

Kihyun is on his back while Hoseok is on his side, almost leaning over him, and though Kihyun’s eyes are turned to the ceiling of the tent, Hoseok knows where his attention is.

 

Kihyun’s skin is as pale and brittle as Hoseok imagined, all prominent bones and deteriorating muscle.

 

Scars.

 

Bruises that never heal.

 

Birth marks.

 

He lets his fingers wander, exploring every little anomaly until he ghosts over the inside of Kihyun’s left forearm. Strange marks, too many and too roughly to be natural, and he takes his eyes away from Kihyun’s face for a moment to glance down, but only sees a flicker of harsh scar tissue before Kihyun jerks his arm away and pulls it against his chest with a conflicted look instead.

 

Hoseok understands. Some things are more painful than others.

 

He smiles, knowing it’s for himself only, and brushes a hand against Kihyun’s jaw before sliding it down to rest Kihyun’s chest, just above the cradled palm, just out of reach.

 

Hoseok is not that much taller, but he feels infinitely bigger like this. He knows his skin is greying too, that his hair is fading from shining to a dull, tangled mess, but Kihyun doesn’t notice any of those things.

 

It’s almost a relief, but he scolds himself for it, because none of those things matter anymore.

 

He can feel Kihyun's heartbeat under his palm, and reminds him that they are alive, despite everything. Despite the bizarre, chewed-up world around them and the slight haze constantly surrounding them like they are actually caught in a dream and not running for their lives, trying to survive just one more day until they figure out why.  
  
"What do you think I look like?" Hoseok asks, quietly. He watches as Kihyun's nose scrunches up a little, but his eyes are still facing the sky. Not exactly away from Hoseok, and not exactly towards him either.  
  
"I think you are..." Kihyun starts slowly, bring his hand up to run his fingers over Hoseok's biceps. The touch feels cold against Hoseok's flushed skin, and he can't hold back a small shudder.  
  
Kihyun chuckles.  
  
"You must have pretty muscles," he says eventually. "And nice hair. Your hair is always so soft."  
  
"Those are things you can feel," Hoseok points out. He doesn’t say anything about how it’s fading, how they used to be more prominent before.  
  
"Then what do you want me to talk about?”

 

“Things that you… Can only imagine.”

 

“You want me to talk about your face?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"But I can still feel your features." Kihyun turns over a little, almost dislodging Hoseok's gentle hold in the process, and props himself up on one elbow to face Hoseok properly. Up close like this, Hoseok can see the storm raging in the pale eyes, dead as they are. Cold, lifeless, but there are forces in there dragging the world back and forth, around, spinning on its axis until there is nothing left but wisps of elements haphazardly blending together and dissolving into a muddy mist.  
  
It's beautiful, but destructive, terrifying, and Hoseok forces himself to loosen his focus and look and Kihyun's lips instead. They are parted slightly, and he can see that pink tongue resting against the bottom lip, almost frozen in its stillness.  
  
Then Kihyun's small, calloused fingers are on his face stroking down from his temple to jaw slowly, carefully, and Hoseok finds himself holding his breath. The fingers move along his jawline, across his chin before running back up the other side of his face. All the way up to his hairline, and Kihyun ruffles the closest strands a little, barely enough to shift them from his forehead. He then moves down again, to the browline, going across and first against the direction of the growth of the tiny hairs, and then with it. He frowns a little, and Hoseok can't help but smile.  
  
"What is it?" He asks. "Are my eyebrows not immaculate enough for you?"  
  
"Couldn't find it in me to care about your eyebrows," Kihyun retorts with a snort, but his fingers still linger at the same spot, just on the corner of his left brow. "But this... There is a small irregularity here. Doesn't feel natural."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"It feels like a scar."  
  
"Oh." Hoseok had almost forgot about that. A close call, several months ago now, and healed enough for him to not think about it anymore. Didn't even know it still scarred. He escaped from the ordeal relatively easy, after all, more so than -   
  
"Yeah, we had some difficult times," he says quickly. "But it's okay now. It's been gone for a while."  
  
"It's not completely gone."  
  
"Nothing ever is, though," Hoseok tries to keep himself from mirroring Kihyun's frown, not wanting to alert the deft fingers on his face to his displeasure, but it probably carries through his voice. He doesn't want to talk about this now. Probably not ever.

 

He also doesn’t want to start prying into the marks on Kihyun’s left arm.

 

"It's fine. Go on."  
  
Obediently, Kihyun does. His fingers start moving again, falling to carefully stroke Hoseok's eyes, feeling them, the long lashes and the way they move to follow his motions. Hoseok imagines the little flicker on Kihun's lips to be sadness, maybe, or perhaps regret - it's what he expects to see, what he would have searched for if Kihyun's own eyes depicted anything more than muted chaos, but maybe he's putting images to sentiments that do not exist. Maybe Kihyun is just curious, more than anything else.  
  
He doesn't know what Kihyun sees, not when his fingers move over his face, his body, his world - Hoseok doesn't know what world Kihyun sees in his mind, behind curtained eyes and substitutional sensory inputs. It seems completely strange to him, imagining to live in this decayed existence without the aid of sight to keep track of his surroundings. Hoseok can barely remember any smell besides the crackle of fire, salty sea fogs and death. Lingering, rotting disease. Unpleasant enough to tune out. Coarse rock and dust against his fingers, the coldness of the air. The rest is background noise and Minhyuk's loud cheers, Jooheon's occasional laugh and Hyunwoo's calm instructions.  
  
Kihyun doesn't say anything about Hoseok's eyes when he moves on, sliding one finger down the even slope of Hoseok's nose to rest at the tip almost hesitantly.   
  
"How is everything about you so straight and well-formed?" He asks, and Hoseok isn't sure if it's serious question or not. Kihyun's voice is quiet, practically a murmur, and his expression is almost unreadably passive - intrigued or amused, if anything, and Hoseok makes a non-commital noise in response, the verbal equivalent of a shrug.  
  
Whether or not Kihyun wanted a more elaborate response, he lets his finger drop from Hoseok's nose to his lips, slightly chapped and closed tightly enough to only let the small breaths from Hoseok's nose to fan against Kihyun's fingers. He traces the small curves of his upper lip and repeats the movement three times before stopping. It’s a little electrifying, the tiny, feather-light touches and Kihyun’s blue eyes staring him down so closely. It eradicates anything Hoseok would want to say, keeps him rooted to the spot and mind frozen as he lets Kihyun take control, doing whatever he wants.

 

When Kihyun’s fingers fall from his lips he finds himself leaning forward slightly, enough to let his nose touch Kihyun’s briefly, just a fleeting, tentative second of contact, but Kihyun smiles and chases the escape until their foreheads meet gently.

 

“I don’t know what you look like to everyone else,” Kihyun says quietly. “But you are beautiful to me. I like your smooth angles and soft skin and kind voice. There’s no point in considering anything I won’t ever see.”

 

“Okay,” Hoseok smiles. It’s a good enough answer. “For the record, you are beautiful too.”

 

“For the record, I don’t really care,” Kihyun snorts, and Hoseok holds back a laughter as he tilts his head and captures Kihyun’s lips with his own. They still burn from the teasing fingers ghosting over them earlier, but the lingering embers are soon replaced by a roaring flare of excitement as he feels the intoxicating heat of Kihyun’s tongue pressuring his mouth, teasing his lips apart and infusing all of Hoseok with a warmth he hasn’t felt in a lifetime.

 

Kihyun kisses him gently, but firmly, letting Hoseok take control and roam the caverns of his mouth as he explores the corners of his body, providing just enough resistance to make it interesting, not relenting passively, but withstanding. It’s enticing and spurs Hoseok on enough for him to shift, bracing his arms on the side of Kihyun’s face and crawling above him until he is trapped beneath Hoseok’s bulk.

 

Kihyun doesn’t seem to mind, twisting his tongue deftly as he brings his arms behind Hoseok’s neck and pulls him closer, closer, until Hoseok almost falls on top of him instead of resting above.

 

It’s like a game, teasing each other and testing their limits to see exactly how far they can be pushed until it gets dangerous.

 

But it’s not really dangerous, is it?

 

Compared to everything else in the world, this is safe, Hoseok thinks to himself as he pushes his tongue through Kihyun’s flushed lips again, with more force than before, increasingly dominant, and Kihyun is so pliant beneath him that it only encourages the heated exchange.

 

It’s safe.

 

It’s comforting, it’s pleasant, it’s –

 

It’s love.

 

And love, Hoseok thinks, isn’t dangerous.

 

At least it shouldn’t be.

 

 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 

 

Changkyun dumps himself down unceremoniously next to Hoseok one night, while the others are milling about gathering firewood and setting up the tents. Hoseok is trying to ignite the little pile of old sticks and dry grass, but pauses his work to cock an eyebrow at the disturbance.

 

Changkyun seems unfazed.

 

“I like it,” he announces. Without elaborating.

 

Hoseok has played this game before. He knows how Changkyun works by now, and merely shrugs as he turns back to the task at hand. “You like what?”

 

“You,” Changkyun continues, still relatively unhelpful.

 

“I am not an ‘it’, Changkyun. But thank you for appreciating my - ”

 

“Hyung, not ‘it’ as in you, the entity,” Changkyun snorts and starts picking at the rocks around the fireplace. Dead bugs and nutritionless dirt. “You, as in… The change about you. You smile more nowadays. You’re happier.”

 

Hoseok pauses again and looks back at Changkyun. The damn fire won’t light up, but the kid’s face is bright and thoughtful as he regards Hoseok’s confused expression.

 

“I like it.”

 

“This is not exactly a merry time, Changkyun,” Hoseok points out with his most serious voice. It’s only marginally effective. “Our resources are depleted, nature is getting increasingly unpredictable and we’re wandering into unknown territories in the vague hope that somehow, things will be better over the next hill. It’s not like things are looking up for us.”

 

“I know,” Changkyun agrees, sounding far too comfortable with their inevitable disaster. “But at least you’ve found something that makes your days a little better. I’m glad.”

 

He glances around at the others, searching or just observing, Hoseok doesn’t know. “What – “

 

But then he sees Changkyun’s eyes settle on Kihyun, currently helping Minhyuk sort through the various tarpaulins from at least two different backpacks, and he is smiling, maybe even laughing at something Minhyuk is saying, fitting in, blending, capturing Hoseok’s attention the minute he turns away from concrete jobs or puzzles.

 

Kihyun says something, and Minhyuk replies by knocking him over and wrestling him around in the dust.

 

Hoseok didn’t notice until now, but suddenly he is all-too aware of the smile tugging at his lips.

 

He glances to the side and sees Changkyun watching him knowingly.

 

“Yeah,” he says, warmly, and far too mature. “That’s what I’m talking about.”

 

 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 

 

The thing is, Hoseok doesn’t really mind.

 

He looks at Kihyun and smiles.

 

He’s okay with that.

 

 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 

 

They are moving along in the shadows of barren trees and heavy clouds when they first hear the noises. Minhyuk is chatting with Jooheon and Hyungwon, bouncing off ideas for reinforcements of their clothes before winter, but his lighthearted cheers don’t carry over the rumbling noises in the background, and Changkyun nudges Hyunwoo’s shoulder to alert him to the sounds. Kihyun perks up by Hoseok’s side almost at the exact same time, and he doesn’t even need prompting before stopping together with the rest of their group. Hyungwon has a finger to Minhyuk’s lips, and the talk ceases in a heartbeat.

 

Brisk sounds run through the old forest, rumbling and at random intervals, and Hoseok wonders if the precursor to another shake. But no, it’s too narrow, too close. They would have felt it.

 

“People,” Kihyun whispers, with a strange sound hinging on his voice at the end of the word.

 

“They don’t sound friendly,” Minhyuk points out and winces as another rough shout echoes through the mist. “They sound angry.”

 

“I’m not going to guess why,” Hoseok says quietly, biting his lip. “But let’s stay low for now. Try not to make too much noise or sudden movements – we don’t know what they can see from their position.”

 

“Let’s change our course slightly,” Hyunwoo adds. “I’d rather have a little detour than run into potential hostiles.”

 

The others nod, and Hyunwoo starts leading them in a slightly wider arch, shifting away from the sounds of the newcomers. Hoseok is about to follow when he notices Kihyun hanging back a little, still facing the direction of the disturbance. He is frowning, and his hands are trembling inside his long sleeves.

 

It’s not a comforting sign.

 

“Kihyun?” Hoseok questions, reaching out to gently nudge against Kihyun’s arm. When he doesn’t get a reaction, he reaches up and brushes his fingers against those pale cheeks, bony and cold but still strikingly soft, and finally Kihyun turns towards him with wide eyes.

 

Hoseok’s heart jumps a little at the expression, so vulnerable, so _scared,_ different from his usually stoic and strong disposition. It’s nothing Hoseok wants to see, because any kind of weakness in this world invites danger and death. It reminds him of those days, back when he first met Kihyun, when he thought he would fall from their team soon, without any notable impression.

 

He was wrong back then – and he hopes he was wrong about _everything._

“You okay?” He asks gently, pushing aside the treacherous thoughts and nagging worries. Kihyun can be scared. People are scary. It’s fine. It’s normal.

 

Kihyun nods, too quickly, and his hand reaches out awkwardly before Hoseok grips it in his own. Shaking. Curling tightly around Hoseok’s longer fingers like a lifeline.

 

“Let’s go, then,” Hoseok murmurs and rubs his thumb across Kihyun’s knuckles soothingly. It doesn’t stop the trembles, not entirely, but Kihyun follows when he starts walking in the direction of the others. Their backs are still visible to them, but Hoseok doesn’t want to rush to catch up, in case they rustle old leaves or broken twigs. The less noise they make, the better. But he has to not only follow his own steps, but Kihyun’s as well; although he doesn’t stumble in his walk, he can’t predict the sounds of smaller obstacles.

 

Hoseok doesn’t like encountering other people. Too many uncertainties and dangers – everything is a threat to their finely balanced group dynamics, and they cannot afford any unnecessary risks. Humans used to be like pack animals, but nowadays they have to shy away from each other. People approaching others usually mean either one of two things; that they want to steal resources, or leech off a stronger group that can help them stay alive longer.

 

Neither are particularly welcome to anyone who want to stay alive.

 

Once, Hoseok had thought Kihyun would have been one of the freeloaders, hanging on to protectors to improve his own chances while slowly dragging the others down. But wasn’t entirely fair, Minhyuk was the one that invited Kihyun to their group, and Kihyun never pleaded his case to stay.

 

Hoseok doesn’t regret accepting Kihyun into their group. He’s _happy_ about it.

 

But Kihyun was the exception. Kihyun is the exception to everything in Hoseok’s world.

 

He tries not to think too hard about that as he increase their pace slightly to catch up to the retreating backs in front of them, and Kihyun follows almost effortlessly, hanging onto Hoseok’s hand and noticing every sway or dip indicating a turn or bump in the path. It’s effective, seamless, and they’re back a few steps behind Minhyuk in only a few minutes. Changkyun turns a moment later, catching Hoseok’s eyes and giving him a questioning look. Hoseok flashes a thumbs up with his free hand and nods for Changkyun to pay attention to where he’s going.

 

He does, with a knowing look.

 

Hoseok can’t even be annoyed by that.

 

They keep walking carefully, in silence, for a long while even after the background noise fades out to the regular whistling wind, distant rumbles and sound of lapping waves. Hyunwoo leads them around the original straight line he had mapped out earlier, but better safe than sorry, and it’s not until they reach an open plain of what was probably a rice field a lifetime ago that they stop to relax their shoulders and take a breather.

 

“Which direction do you think they were headed?” Hyungwon asks as Jooheon starts distributing water bottles. “Is it safe to continue this way? What if they follow?”

 

“We don’t know for sure,” Hyunwoo starts, frowning. “But we lost the sound relatively quickly, so I don’t think they were moving along in our direction at any pace. Either they were resting or moving away from us, but that’s just my estimation.”

 

“It sounds about right, though,” Minhyuk butts in, cheerfully. “If they’re coming this way, they must have moved awfully slow since we outsped them so quickly. Good thing too, they didn’t sound like nice people.”

 

Hoseok is inclined to agree. The shouts were too short, brusque, aggressive in tone and awfully noisy for a group travelling together. They might even have escaped a conflict, for all they know.

 

“Well, I don’t feel entirely safe until we’ve put some proper distance between us and them,” Hyungwon shrugs and gestures back to the forest sheepishly. “It’s still light for a few more hours, we should use them well.”

 

Jooheon nods vehemently next to him, glancing back at the forest with a worried glance. He’s not fond of other groups either, Hoseok knows. They remind him of a humanity left behind and the sacrifices they all had to make, or the sacrifices they are all about to become. There is rarely more than one winner when two groups meet, after all.

 

Changkyun doesn’t say anything, but he’s slinking back to put a hand on Kihyun’s shoulder, and it’s only now Hoseok notices how thoughtful he looks. Thoughtful, and a little sad, maybe? He’s still holding Hoseok’s hand, but he’s not really interacting. Silence is not unusual for Kihyun, and Hoseok didn’t really think anything of it. Particularly in situations like these – discussion directions, terrains and plans for the nearest future – Kihyun contributes little.

 

But it now it looks like he’s quiet for a different reason that usual.

 

“What are you thinking about?” Changkyun asks quietly, almost whispering, and Kihyun shifts a little to face him better.

 

“Nothing,” Kihyun replies at first, a little bit too quickly, a little bit too heavily. Hoseok squeezes his hand briefly, a little touch just to remind him that they’re here, now, together, and Kihyun’s frown turns into a smirk. “I’m thinking that Hoseok-hyung’s hands are really warm and nice.”

 

Changkyun glances at Hoseok, not displeased, a little amused and a little petulant. “That’s gross.”

 

“I can hold your hand too, if you’re jealous,” Hoseok retorts, but the only place is hand is going is to the back of Changkyun’s head to give it a gentle slap. “Don’t be such a brat.”

 

“Hyung, please!” Changkyun whines, but it’s good-natured as always, and the dark lines have lifted from his expression. It’s a relief.

 

Hoseok looks back at Kihyun, but he seems to have brightened as well, for now, although he still turns a little so his ears are positioned towards the forest, listening, worrying. Hoseok recognizes it, even if it’s different from most people’s reactions.

 

He’s still searching for the sound of others in the forest. Still wants to put more distance between them and the others, and though Hoseok thinks they should be safe now, he can’t say he’s opposed to the notion.

 

“Let’s go, then,” he says, looking at Hyunwoo.

 

He gets a nod in return, and they start moving quickly after that. Not stressing their pace like before, but not walking carelessly either.

 

They keep going until nightfall.

 

 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 

 

Kihyun has been a bit distant since the almost-brush against strangers in the forest a few days before.

 

Hoseok questioned him about it, but Kihyun managed to shrug him off every time. Looking conflicted, thoughtful, like he does sometimes when his mind shifts to places where Hoseok can’t follow.

 

It’s a little bit disconcerting, but Hoseok supposes it can’t be helped.

 

Then one night, when Hoseok is on watch duty and Kihyun is curled up with his head in Hoseok’s lap as they both bask in the warmth of the fire, he indulges a little bit more about himself.

 

Hoseok is carding his fingers through Kihyun’s hair quietly, thinking about everything, nothing, just staring into the fire when Kihyun suddenly sits up without a word.

 

“Kihyun?”

 

At first he doesn’t reply, but shifts a little to sit just slightly too far away from Hoseok, their knees almost brushing but not quite, and it feels a little bit strange, but Kihyun isn’t one to do things without intentions, so Hoseok just frowns and looks at him.

 

He is sure Kihyun can feel his gaze, but he doesn’t react immediately.

 

It’s like he’s fumbling around, trying to pick up a thread that was never there to begin with, and Hoseok doesn’t want to interrupt. He’s learned patience by now.

 

"It's happened before," Kihyun mumbles eventually, half facing away from Hoseok and towards the fire, letting the bright light dance across his cheekbones and mirror dilated colours in his eyes. "At first it was me and... My brother. We were alone, and vulnerable, just the two of us. Then we met someone who took everything from us. They were apologetic, but that's... what good do sorry’s do? They're just words, and words don't feed you or keep you warm. They thought they were being merciful, but really, they just condemned us to a slower death because they wanted to save their own conscience as much as possible. We tried to find something after that, but the area was scavenged, and we were not the strongest group out there. Especially not with the.... Compensations that had to be made on my behalf."

 

Hoseok sighs almost inaudibly, waiting, puts his hand on Kihyun's knee in silent support. He can't tell if Kihyun notices or not, still lamenting the memory of past days lost to time and decay.

 

"We were starving, had nothing to help us besides the clothes on our backs, and then we got caught in a quake twice in...." Kihyun frowns. "Less than a week, I think. It was a tough time. And Seungwoo, he... He didn't make it."

 

Kihyun is silent for a long time after that, furrowing his brows and pursing his lips, almost physically restraining himself from saying anything else. It's difficult to tell, but Hoseok thinks he sees a new shimmer to the crystal, and another line that wasn't there before.

 

He knew it wouldn't be a pleasant story, a happy ending. They wouldn't be here if it was.

 

But it still twists uncomfortably in his gut.

 

"Then something changed." He suggests, quietly, allowing Kihyun to stop and retreat if he wants to.

 

"Something changed," Kihyun confirms, with a sad little smile. "I met another group. Well, they met me, more like. I wasn't going anywhere, I was just lost, alone, suffering, so when they approached me I just… I prayed they would kill me, so I wouldn’t have to wait for it. But instead they took me in. Fed me, gave me new clothes, a weapon.”

 

Kihyun reaches under his jacket and pulls out the knife Hoseok has seen many times, medium size, wooden hilt, still quite sharp, if not very clean. He never knew there was a story behind it until now, but it’s not that surprising. It was the only thing Kihyun had when Minhyuk found him, after all.

 

“Hyungsoo-hyung gave it to me,” Kihyun continues as he shifts the blade around in his hands, deftly and fondly, with a familiarity Hoseok finds himself admiring. “And Hweesung-hyung trained me. He taught me how to compensate for my weaknesses, they took care of me and helped me regain my strength, and somehow, I…”

 

Kihyun trails off uncertainly, his fingers halting their movement and falling still.

 

“You survived,” Hoseok supplies helpfully, because he understands. Even without knowing how or why, it’s possible to persevere and keep living – living with indecision and searching, maybe, trying to find that one thing worth fighting for, or trying to find a time to give up. Hoseok knows that feeling, of hopelessness and purposelessness, the bite that questions why he even bothers trying.

 

He has seen it in Kihyun before, and it’s one of the things that pulled them together.

 

Kihyun laughs at that, humourlessly and dark, but he’s nodding and slides a finger across the knife blade again. “I did,” he agrees. “They taught me a lot, things I never knew or managed to do when I was with Seungwoo. He was younger, but I had to depend on him, and I guess… Hyungsoo-hyung and Hweesung-hyung were good to me. We made it through the quakes, the cold, the storms… They always managed to be on top of things, somehow. They knew where to be and how to cope, and seemed invincible together. They taught me how to take care of myself. If only I knew that before, maybe things would have been different, but I won’t ever know now.”

 

“What happened to them?” Hoseok asks, because he thinks he knows, he can deduce it from the memory of Kihyun’s initial few days with them, but there are still fuzzy details he only suspects, perhaps doesn’t want confirmed.

 

Kihyun’s hands still again, and a small drop of water falls on the blade, rippling the reflections of the sharp steel and running down the edge until it falls to the ground below. When Hoseok looks up, Kihyun’s face is still, defeated, and more droplets of water make their way from pale crystalline, settled into a muted calm that contrasts oddly with the usual forces combating in there.

 

“They were killed,” Kihyun admits, and such a frail sound, so brittle, broken, waspy-thin as it disappears into the night that Hoseok almost regrets asking already.

 

But Kihyun volunteered this story.

 

And Hoseok wants to know.

 

Kihyun pushes up the sleeve of his left arm despite the cold, all the way up to the elbow and holds it out to Hoseok. And there they are. The jagged, white abrasions, drawn in perfect lines and less perfect circles stark against the soft skin of Kihyun’s forearm.

 

Now that he is actually looking at them properly, Hoseok can tell what the scars are.

 

It’s grotesque, heartwrenching, but utterly fascinating in its brutality, because Hoseok knows there is only one way for these marks to fester on Kihyun’s arm, otherwise whole and contained. He glances over at the knife Kihyun still grips tightly, at the tiny specks of rust littered near the tip.

 

He supposes it’s fitting for Kihyun, who can’t see but feel them, the little raise imprinted on his arm forever. A reminder.

 

_Seungwoo._

_Hyungsoo._

_Hweesung._

 

“They were strong, even stronger together, but in the end, we were just three.” Kihyun drags the sleeve down again with a wince as his thumb brushes against the marks, not out of physical pain. “There were people… Again, and they outnumbered us, had weapons and caught us on a rough mountain pass. Hyungsoo-hyung didn’t want to give up our supplies, even though he knew they would what would happen if we refused. Hweesung-hyung was the first to attack though, and after he killed two of them they decided to take us out quickly instead.”

 

“How did you escape?”

 

“Oh, I didn’t escape,” Kihyun snorts, bitterly, curling his fists over his knees. “They took one good look at me and decided I wasn’t worth killing, said I’d walk myself off a cliff in less than a day and that it would have been fun to see. They killed my companions and left me to die not out of pity, but out of _spite._ ”

 

Hoseok doesn’t know what to say to that.

 

It does, however, explain quite a lot.

 

And it drives daggers through his heart, to hear how Kihyun has suffered, why –

 

His miraculous survival only seems bittersweet now, and Hoseok understands. He remembers the first time they met, how careless Kihyun had been, much less animated, what Changkyun had asked him when Minhyuk said he found him at the beach –

 

_Do you have a death wish?_

Hoseok knew. He always knew.

 

Kihyun doesn’t offer anything else, because there isn’t anything more to tell, so Hoseok scoots closer instead and envelops Kihyun in his arms, resting his cheek against wet lashes and long bags as he feels Kihyun grip his jacket in return.

 

It’s cold, and they should probably get out one of Minhyuk’s old blankets, but Hoseok doesn’t have the will to move. Kihyun is trembling, just a little, but it isn’t from the cold.

 

Hoseok twists his head a little to press a tiny kiss to Kihyun’s temple.

 

There is nothing else to say.

 

 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 

 

They hit another storm a few days later.

 

It comes out of nowhere, quickly and with a vengeance, and everything they own is soaked before they have even had the chance to look for shelter.

 

They barely make it to the remains of a storage house half an hour later, but the construction is collapsed and half of the fallen plates end up dripping rainwater over random spots all over the few shielded areas they can find. There is no heat in there, barely any respite from the howling wind as well, and with all their supplies dripping just as much themselves, they have no hope of starting a fire.

 

Instead they strip out of their wet clothing, leaving them in the bare minimum as they huddle together and throw their driest pieces of clothing and tarpaulin over themselves.

 

“At least it’s cosy,” Minhyuk jokes into Hyunwoo’s neck. “Haven’t snuggled like this for ages. I mean, Jooheon kicks, so he’s not really a cuddle-worthy bedmate, but other than that we should reinstate human piles just for the heck of it.”

 

“Minhyuk, shut up,” Hoseok groans and buries his face in Kihyun’s hair. It’s wet, cold, and tickles his nose somewhat, but it smells like Kihyun and like comfort. “Try to rest.”

 

“I can’t, I’m cold!” The whine is justified, in a way, because Minhyuk drew the short straw and ended up at the edge of the group with his back against the night air, but hopefully their body heat should help dry the blankets enough to give him some sort of protection. It’s piled on top of them right now, a heavy, wet weight that feels just a little bit too cold.

 

“Hyunwoo-hyung, turn around and hug him or something, I want to sleep.”

 

Hyunwoo obliges easily, and Minhyuk shrieks a little when the solid arms wrap around him, but at least he stops complaining, and soon enough they all manage to drift off.

 

Mostly.

 

Hoseok doesn’t fall asleep, instead staying awake despite the aches in his bones, the droop in his eyes and the exhausted current in his mind.

 

He thinks back.

 

He realizes, how many times Kihyun could have disappeared from the face of the earth before Hoseok even had the chance to meet him. He considers, they might have been only six now, and things would have been different.

 

To what end, he doesn’t know.

 

The only thing he knows is that he would still be fumbling, looking for something, something he thinks he’s found now.

 

He can’t remember the last time he saw stars in the sky, but he has one before him now.

 

It’s a silly thought, and he smiles a little to himself as soon as it forms. But it’s not wrong, is it? Kihyun guides him, breaks through endless, passive days of nothing but bleak darkness, and returns beauty to his life.

 

It’s okay to be silly, Hoseok concludes as he runs a hand down Kihyun’s back. He can allow himself to be silly for Kihyun, pretend that they are normal, that everything is okay.

 

He knows very well that it’s not, that they are stuck in a sad, doomed and twisted version of reality that they have done nothing to deserve, and Kihyun knows that better than anyone.

 

But Hoseok hopes he can be the protector Kihyun needs, in the same way that Kihyun has been the salvation he wanted.

 

He thinks he drifts off with that promise to himself, to Kihyun’s sleeping breaths and cold shoulders.

 

In the morning, Minhyuk has a cold.

 

 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 

 

Their progress is somewhat stunted by Minhyuk’s fever and wheezing coughs, but they all take it in stride, because really, what else can they do?

 

It means they have to stop for the night earlier, has to risk more fires and spend more resources, but no one ever complains or voices any concerns. They are just here because of each other, anyway.

 

The weather has calmed down since that last pour, still looming in the distance and threatening their peace with thunderous rumbles and dark clouds, but not attacking overtly as before. It’s a miniscule relief, but one they accept gratefully.

 

The others are setting up camp and Hoseok and Kihyun volunteers to search the area for remnants of food, driftwood, anything left behind from previous sojourners. Minhyuk is done for the day, but it’s still quite early in the afternoon, and they suggest a longer trek around the area while they have time to spare.

 

Hyunwoo, with a glance at ther diminishing resources, agrees.

 

They take Hoseok’s backpack with a couple of water bottles, some base equipment and enough space to store their finds, and set out.

 

The first hour is not very helpful, yielding only some dry sticks and a couple of herbal leaves Hyungwon has pointed out to them before, but somewhere during their third hour, they come across a little cabin partially hidden behind overgrown bushes and tumbling fences.

 

The door is half fallen off its hinges, but Hoseok pulls it out easily and tosses it to the side. The inside is dark and murky, smelling awfully of rot and decay, and they half suspect the thing to fall down on them any second. It’s not really stable anymore, and it’s a wonder that it has been left standing for so long.

 

It’s too small to hold much, but Hoseok finds a couple of medium-sized axed on the walls with blades still sharp enough to be used, and when Kihyun digs through the cupboards he pulls out some cans of unknown origin. The labels are dirty and scraped, but it looks suspiciously like food, and they might be able to use it after all.

 

“Not a bad find,” Hoseok comments as he stuffs the goods into his backpack while Kihyun strips the sheets off the cot. “We could almost consider ourselves lucky.”

 

“Luck isn’t a thing I trust anymore,” Kihyun huffs and tosses the crumpled sheet in Hoseok’s general direction. It misses, but the cabin is small enough that it can’t land that far off anyway. Hoseok suspects Kihyun did it on purpose.

 

“Don’t be like that, kitten,” Hoseok purrs and leans forward to tickle Kihyun’s calf teasingly. Kihyun, expectedly, leaps away from the touch immediately, but ends up crashing into the wall and falls back on his butt.

 

Hoseok chuckles before cooing at Kihyun’s little pout when he sits up. It is ridiculously adorable, even if Kihyun doesn’t acknowledge it himself. Hoseok doesn’t mind. It’s his pleasure, after all.

 

“That was uncalled for,” Kihyun pouts and swats away Hoseok’s hands when they try to tickle his neck as well. “And it hurt. Asshole.”

 

“You were the one who stumbled and fell,” Hoseok points out with a smirk as he closes the bag. “I just wanted to express my affection – “

 

“You did it on purpose, don’t even try that innocent act with me,” Kihyun snorts, and glares at the wall behind Hoseok. The mist is swirling again, directed by soft waves and hidden sparks, and Hoseok is enthralled.

 

He nods before kicking himself. “I did. You’re right.”

 

Kihyun, satisfied by the admission, crawls over to give Hoseok a quick kiss before standing up.

 

“You’re forgiven. Come on.”

 

Hoseok gets up, whining but complying easily, and grabs Kihyun’s hand to lead him out of the cabin.

 

They might actually call it a day. They got a lot of stuff in here, and with what they already had in Hoseok’s bag, they can’t really bring that much more back anyway. It’s probably getting darker soon anyway, and it’s more difficult to navigate when Hoseok can’t see –

 

But as soon as Hoseok gets out of the narrow opening that used to be the doorway, he feels arms on his shoulders, around his neck, and he is jerked away roughly. Instinctively, he starts fighting back, tugging at the intruding hands, until he feels something cold under his chin and a voice screams in his ear, “stay still or you die.”

 

He stops struggling, eyes wide and looking around at the ambushing group, because, _shit,_ how could they get caught unawares like this?!

 

There are five rogues, grim-looking men and a woman, two of them holding Hoseok still while a third one manhandles Kihyun a couple of yards away. This one has a gun, and he’s pointing it straight at Kihyun’s temple.

 

“I’d suggest you to stop struggling,” the woman barks, roughly, and Hoseok glances over at her. She looks worn, weathered, and just as tough as the guys around, but he doesn’t think she’s the leader. Her words are spoken out of anger, not authority, but it’s a suggestion Hoseok is willing to obey, in this situation.

 

Shit.

 

_Shit._

He hopes these are everyone in their group, that there are not more people scurrying about searching for victims – the others are a good distance away, but there is no way of knowing where these people have been, what they are going to do.

 

If Hoseok and Kihyun can escape from this alive.

 

“Hand over the goods,” the fourth man says, gesturing towards Hoseok’s backpack. Kihyun makes a wild movement, struggling against the hold, but then the gun smacks into his temple, not hard enough to knock him out, just enough to throw him into a daze.

 

“Okay!” Hoseok shouts immediately, a little bit too loudly, too quickly, but their captors look satisfied as he shrugs the backpack off his shoulders and tosses it to the feet of the idle man. “Here. That’s all we’ve got, don’t shoot, just – “

 

“This is all?” The woman sneers back at him, and Hoseok shuts his mouth, but nods furiously. “Are you alone?”

 

“Yes,” Hoseok says and glances over at Kihyun, wishing he could communicate his apologies with a look. But Kihyun is blinking too quickly, facing the ground, turning in his hold to get his ears into position again, and he’s utterly unfocused on Hoseok.

 

It’s worrying. He doesn’t look too confused, but terrified, anticipating, and Hoseok knows how much this must frighten him. It’s like before, when everything turned to hell for him, and maybe he thinks this is the end, once more, for the last time –

 

One of the men holding Hoseok snickers at Kihyun, at the futile little movements he makes and the strange twist to his expression.

 

“Look at that one,” he says to the others, tossing his head in Kihyun’s direction. “Doesn’t look like a helpful fellow.”

 

The woman steps closer with a frown, before catching on as she sees the odd colours running around in Kihyun’s eyes. Then she laughs, loudly, shrieking, and turns back to Hoseok.

 

“What is this?” She says haughtily, and Hoseok has to put a tremendous effort into staying still. “Do you keep him around for company? Like a lapdog? Can’t see what else he’s good for.”

 

“No,” Hoseok grits out, feeling anger bubble in his chest. “Leave him alone.”

 

“Does he suck you off?” The woman smirks, cocking her head at Hoseok. “Such a shame, a handsome guy like you, and he can’t even appreciate it… But he does have pretty lips, I bet – “

 

“Shut up!” Hoseok cries, spitting in her face, because _no one can talk about Kihyun like that –_

Then there is a sharp shout, rustling sound of scuffing bodies and a loud smack of something into human flesh, and the woman turns around to the commotion behind.

 

Hoseok’s heart gets stuck in his throat.

 

Kihyun is free, has stepped away from his captor and in his hands, he holds the gun.

 

The man from earlier is on the ground, rubbing his wrist and with a blooming bruise on his jaw, glaring up at Kihyun but slowly edging away at the same time.

 

_Shit._

“Wow, you suck,” the man with Hoseok’s rucksack says and kicks the man on the ground in disgust. “How did you get hauled around by _that_?”

 

“Hweesung-hyung was a good fighter,” Kihyun says quietly, but Hoseok knows it’s for his ears and not the rogues. It doesn’t make him feel any better.

 

He sees Kihyun raising the gun, in their general direction, but even if his hearing is great, he still can't see, and there is too much going on, Hoseok is being yanked around, and -

 

"Kihyun, don't shoot!" Hoseok yells, and Kihyun freezes, gun cocked and pointed towards the group. "Don't.... You - "

 

"Just tell me where to shoot, Hoseok," Kihyun says, calmly, too calmly, too much at odds with the worried expression he wears. "Tell me where, and I'll shoot."

 

"No," Hoseok shakes his head instinctively, because he still forgets sometimes, he still acts as if - but it's impossible to ignore now. "You can't, Kihyun. You can't. Step down."

 

"No, let the blind boy shoot," one if the rogues hum, barely shrinking back when the barrel shifts in his general direction. But Kihyun is confused now, running on adrenaline pumping blood through his ears and obscuring his other senses, enough to function, not enough to threaten.

 

"Don't shoot, Kihyun," Hoseok warns again. "Please. Don't."

 

The rogues might not notice, because they are too busy snickering between themselves and rummaging through Hoseok's racksack, obnoxiously ignorant of the shaking finger on the gun. As if Kihyun is, after all, harmless, nothing more than a nuisance, source of entertainment at best and an annoying fly at worst.

 

They might not notice, but there is a storm raging in Kihyun's eyes, twitching currents of electricity betraying his fear, and Hoseok wishes that he could take him away, anywhere else but here, anywhere else where Kihyun's weaknesses isn't pounding aggressively against his heart with every shallow breath.

 

Had it been anyone else from their group, the gun would have been a crucial advantage.

 

Regardless of how well Kihyun was trained, how much he wants to be good, there are some things he cannot do.

 

“Kihyun.” He says again, with force, determination, and he puts every ounce of conviction and forgiveness he has into his words. “Don’t shoot. It’s not worth it.”

 

“In case you didn’t know,” one of the rogues add and drags the blade teasingly across Hoseok’s throat. “We have a knife to your man’s neck. We’ll kill him if you try anything funny.”

 

Kihyun is relentless, but Hoseok sees the doubt in his expression. “Take our stuff and leave.”

 

The rogues are not taking this lying down either. “Give us the gun or we kill him.”

 

“Kihyun, it’s fine, put it down,” Hoseok tries again, pleading as he feels the hot, damp breath of the rogues on his neck. Uncomfortable. Nothing like Kihyun’s soothing huffs in the night.

 

But Kihyun doesn’t look satisfied with that suggestion.

 

The woman is growing impatient, and finally steps towards Kihyun, but the rustling of leaves alert him to her movement, and the barrel moves swiftly in her direction, and it’s so accurate, he could probably kill her right now if he fired.

 

The woman realizes too, and freezes without saying anything.

 

Then something changes in Kihyun’s expression.

 

He lowers the gun and fires four shots into the ground before his feet until there is an empty clicking signalling the lack of bullets.

 

The loud bangs echo through the forest, the only sound breaking through the silence for a second while the entire group just stares at Kihyun, at what he has just done.

 

At least it won't hurt anyone now, Hoseok realizes with a surge of relief.

 

"What the fuck, kid?" One of the rogues spits and strides up to grab Kihyun's collar. "Do you have any idea of how much potential you just wasted?!"

 

"Were you going to conquer any kingdoms with four bullets?" Kihyun chokes out around the hand as the gun falls to the ground with a broken, little sound. "It still looks pretty, I'm sure you'll be able to fool someone."

 

"What do you know about what my gun looks like?" The sneer is poisonous, condescending, but Kihyun doesn't even flinch. Not even a second later, the hand shifts, and he is shoved harshly into the ground. "Crippled fool. A miracle how you survived so long."

 

Then the knife falls away from Hoseok’s throat as well, and a punch sends him reeling to the ground while the world spins around him.

 

He looks up when he feels gentle fingers on his face, and then there is only Kihyun, pale, crying, but alive. The rogues are gone, and with them Hoseok’s rucksack.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Kihyun whispers as his thumbs wipe patterns on Hoseok’s cheeks. “I’m really, really, sorry.”

 

“For what?” Hoseok asks as he sits up, wincing slightly, and puts his hands on Kihyun’s wrists. “You did nothing wrong. You were very brave, Kihyun.”

 

But the broken, defeated expression doesn’t change, and Kihyun shakes his head slightly as more tears fall.

 

“I could’ve – “ he starts, hiccups, and Hoseok’s hands move from Kihyun’s wrists and up his arms in slow, soothing brushes. “I’m sorry, if I wasn’t like this – “

 

“Hey, hey, don’t do that,” Hoseok cuts him off, because really, it’s nothing Kihyun has to apologize for. It’s not his fault. “They would have taken our stuff either way. We’re alive, okay? And hopefully they’ll stay away from the rest of the group. They’re gone now, we’re good. Don’t cry, Kihyunnie, please – “

 

“I’m sorry,” Kihyun says again and bows his head, breaking apart in Hoseok’s arms, and Hoseok knows the apology is for more than his failure to aim the gun, more than what just happened, more than crying – he’s apologizing for his very _existence._

And there is nothing more Hoseok can do but hold him, whispering empty comforts and kind words Kihyun won’t believe, until they’re both shivering and cramped and Kihyun’s eyes are all dried up and Hoseok has forgotten his convictions about strength and optimism.

 

It’s a dark evening.

 

Hoseok tries to repeat it to them both as they slowly get up to walk back to the camp, _they’re alive, they’re alive, they’re alive,_ but Kihyun’s hand is limp in his own and he is starting to doubt the validity of his reassurances even as they reach the others.

 

There are questions, concerned shouts and worried looks after Hoseok relays their story, but no accusing words, not even a doubtful glance. It’s a grim sign, but at least the rogues haven’t reached their camp, at least it was just the two of them and one backpack.

 

It could have been worse.

 

Hoseok smiles a little when Changkyun points it out, but Kihyun never stops shaking in his arms that night.

 

The next morning is soberly quiet.

 

 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 

 

The cold has kicked in for real now, and Hyungwon and Hyunwoo have taken to drape blankets over themselves as they walk, instead offering their overcoats to Changkyun and Jooheon to keep as they make their way down South. Minhyuk’s fever has broken, thankfully, though he’s still a bit slow, but no one complains about his mood. Not even when he starts yapping about the temperature again, how is falling beneath acceptable limits, how it’s going to take them down again soon unless they speed up.

 

But it’s not snowing. Once in a while, they are hit by icy, hard hail, but the road ahead of them is still free of ice, mostly, and the worst part is the relentless wind whipping against their faces and cutting off their fires at night.

 

Hoseok knows there are other people on this road.

 

They shouldn’t even light up fires so often anymore.

 

But then he looks around at the miserable faces of his companions, and thinks, _fine._ Just for tonight.

 

Hyunwoo worries as well, especially after their last incident when Hoseok and Kihyun were cornered. There is no telling what could have happened if they all met with the rogues instead.

 

Kihyun is quiet, even more so than usual, and it wouldn’t be that worrying in itself, but the permanent lines wrinkled in his nose, and the contemplative pursing of his lips has Hoseok on the edge. It’s worrying how he closes himself off so much after close calls, and he wishes he could draw him out of it, but he doesn’t know what to do.

 

It’s distracting, and perhaps that’s why Hoseok doesn’t notice before it’s too late.

 

They feel the smaller shifts in the ground before it hits for real.

 

The slight tremble, enough to blame on tired legs and unfocused minds, pass them by in a blink, until they her a loud roar in the distance and suddenly the quake is over them after weeks of relative quiet and peace.

 

It starts out slow, but picks up speed immediately and within a few seconds it tosses them all off their feet and they tumble around in a heap, Changkyun knocking into a swaying tree while Jooheon slides down a little slope and into a bush.

 

Hoseok spreads himself out flat on the ground, trying to find a stable position to ride the quake out, keeping an eye out on his surroundings and the others, as much as possible, while trying to quench the fear in his gut.

 

Quakes are dangerous.

 

And they can lead to much worse things.

 

His teeth rattle and it feels like all his joints are being shook out of their sockets, but there are no steady points nearby to stabilize himself, and Hoseok is just grateful that the quake isn’t trembling violently enough to break his bones from just throwing him around on the flat ground. He’s going to end up with some heavy bruises later, though – they all are.

 

But if that’s the worst of it, they can manage.

 

Minutes are ticking by agonizingly slowly, and Hoseok thinks, surely it must be done soon, over, it’s not escalating or breaking the ground, it’s not going to get worse and they’ll be done with it soon, grateful to be beaten, but whole –

 

“Kihyun!” Minhyuk’s shout pulls him out of the stasis, and he tries to push himself up, whip his head around to see what’s going on, what’s wrong with Kihyun, and then there is a creak and a loud bang followed by shrill screaming.

 

No.

 

Not now –

 

“Minhyuk!”

 

He sees the tree trembling and breaking on the ground behind him, and on the other side two dark heads barely visible over the fallen trunk, and the screams ebb out to sobs as the quake slowly, but surely subsides.

 

They’re all on their feet before the shakes are completely done, as soon as the ground stabilizes enough for them to stand upright without tipping over. Jooheon comes crawling back up, stops by Changkyun on his way to make sure he’s alright, but the rest head straight to the fallen tree.

 

Hoseok doesn’t know exactly what he expects on the other side, but he knows it’s going to be something bad. The feeling screams and storms in his chest even after the natural tremors subside, and he tosses of a prayer in his head to anything, anyone willing to listen when he jumps over the trunk.

 

It’s not exactly what he expected, but it’s still far from good.

 

Kihyun is sitting upright, clutching Minhyuk to him while mumbling odd words of reassurances into his ear, and Minhyuk is the one sobbing, gripping Kihyun’s arms tight as he tries to bite back his noises.

 

It’s his leg.

 

Twisted at an odd angle, bloody, some of the fabric of his trousers torn, and Hoseok is too shocked to look away.

 

Hyunwoo is there immediately after brushing a hand over Kihyun’s hair before turning to Minhyuk, examining his leg, looking back at the trunk, crying for a roll of bandages or spare sheet, and somewhere in the background, Jooheon acquiesces. Hyungwon falls to his knees on the other side of Minhyuk and Kihyun, gently prying Kihyun’s fingers away so they can shift Minhyuk to a better position.

 

They need to work fast.

 

Kihyun’s startled little gasp sends Hoseok into motion as well, and he steps around the group, coming behind Kihyun and hooking an arm under his shoulder to pull him up. Kihyun struggles against him at first, shocked and scared, but Hoseok hushes him and leads him away from the others, away from Minhyuk’s cries and harsh whimpers.

 

“It’s okay, he’s okay,” Hoseok says as they walk, keeping his arm firmly around Kihyun’s shoulder and steadying him when he tries to turn back, keeping him in a straight line away from the mess behind them. “Hey, listen to me. He’ll be alright.”

 

“What was he – “ Kihyun starts, swallows and manages to stop in his track and Hoseok doesn’t have the heart to pull him further. “How did it look?”

 

“What do you mean?” Hoseok frowns, brings his hands up to rub at Kihyun’s cheeks instead, drying away the tears and heating the cold skin. Pale clouds stare back at him, spinning and slithering around in their small prisons and obscuring the cold blue behind.

 

“He… How was he hurt?”

 

And Hoseok kicks himself, because of course Kihyun wouldn’t know exactly what happened, how mangled Minhyuk’s leg had looked, how it twisted awkwardly and put a horrifying mask of agony on his face. He could smell the blood, hear the cries, but he wouldn’t know what _happened._

“Don’t think too much about it,” Hoseok says instead, resting his forehead against Kihyun and wills him to breathe with him, deeply, fight the panic. It’s hypocritical, because Hoseok himself is freaking out. The last time something like this happened –

 

“His leg was hit, but it’s okay, we can fix it,” he says instead, trying to keep his voice firm and convincing, but Kihyun shakes his head vehemently, tears falling quicker now.

 

“No, it was bad, I know it was,” he insists, bringing his hands up to knock against Hoseok’s chest angrily, but doesn’t pull away. “I can’t – I _know_ it was. Don’t patronize me. This happened because of _me._ ”

 

“No no, Kihyun, don’t say that,” Hoseok wants to cry as well, but he knows he can’t. Not for Minhyuk’s sake, not for Hyunwoo and Hyungwon, trying to patch him back up, not for Kihyun’s sake. “It was the quake, that’s all.”

 

“He was trying to protect me – “

 

“Stop, don’t think about it, please,” Hoseok begs him, gives him a slow kiss, trying to distract him, covers his ears when Minhyuk’s cries pick up.

 

Kihyun falls against him heavily in the end, giving up his protests and his fight, and Hoseok lowers them both to the ground so he can hold him easier, closer, safer.

 

“It’s okay,” he keeps whispering even as he maintains his hold on Kihyun’s ears, blocking out the world, as if that can keep him out of harm’s way.

 

In truth, he knows it’s not okay.

 

He can only hope that Minhyuk survives this, that he makes it through – it’s an injury that can get life-threatening quickly, especially if nature is picking up its mischief again or the rogues gather on the roads South during the winter.

 

He doesn’t know what they would do without Minhyuk, the only one who can stay cheerful and provide some semblance of normalcy in their grim existence, the only sure source of happiness they have. And if he is permanently harmed by this, Kihyun –

 

Kihyun would be devastated.

 

Kihyun _is_ devastated.

 

Hoseok knows by now, that this is Kihyun’s greatest fear, after his past experiences of lost comrades, comrades he outlived because of some twisted irony.

 

This, Hoseok thinks to himself with a guilty sort of hindsight, is also why he was originally hesitant to accept Kihyun into their group.

 

He has never regretted being right so much before.

 

But at the same time, he knows he is a selfish bastard, because he will never let Kihyun go now. He tightens his arms protectively, considering the distraught man in his arms, and he knows it’s a weakness he would curse himself for in the past, but he can’t find it in himself to care.

 

“It’s okay,” he promises again, nuzzling his nose in Kihyun’s hair as his arms make soft circles around Kihyun’s shoulder blades, shaky attempts at soothing him, and he hopes he’ll be able to live up to his words.

 

“It’s okay.”

 

 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 

 

Hoseok finds Kihyun sitting by himself on the beach, facing the waters, teasing the waves stretching up against his feet but never quite reaching far enough.

 

The water sounds almost quiet from here, just lazily dancing back and forth far outside, hundreds of yards away from the shore. It looks almost normal, but Hoseok never lets himself forget that the endless mass of black before them has swallowed most of their world, previous homes and beloved people, and it would destroy them in a heartbeat if they let it.

 

It's no use dwelling on the thought, so he doesn’t.

 

Instead, he sits down next to Kihyun and lets his head fall on the slightly shorter shoulder. It’s a little bit awkward, but Hoseok doesn’t mind.

 

“What are you thinking about?” He asks after a while, when Kihyun doesn’t acknowledge his presence with anything but a faint hum.

 

“Nothing much,” Kihyun starts before shaking his head. “Nothing I should think about, at least.”

 

Hoseok’s eyes are still resting on the sight of the ocean before them, dangerously close. Dangerously present.

 

He thinks he knows what Kihyun means.

 

Just in the periphery of his vision, he can see Kihyun gripping his left arm gently, almost subconsciously.

 

Hoseok frowns and reaches out to put his hand over Kihyun’s, prying away the frozen fingers carefully. “None of that, now. We’re okay.”

 

“We’re not okay,” Kihyun says quietly, though his hand curls into Hoseok’s as he speaks. Seeking warmth. Seeking comfort, even if the dejected tone in his voice says he doesn’t deserve it. “Minhyuk is not okay. I don’t want his name on – “

 

He stops himself, but Hoseok knows where he is going. Kihyun doesn’t want Minhyuk’s name on his arm. Doesn’t want to keep living with the weight of another life on his conscience, a life he didn’t take, but a life he passed by.

 

It’s not fair, though.

 

It never is.

 

“This isn’t your fault,” Hoseok reminds him, gently, and brings their intertwined hands to his lips in a soft brush. “Living is a danger, nothing we do or don’t do is going to change that.”

 

“But some things make it harder to survive,” Kihyun interjects, voice thick and trembling, but he isn’t crying. He just looks numb. “Some things invite danger instead of pushing it away.”

 

Hoseok considers this.

 

It’s true. He knows it’s true, but he doesn’t want it to be, and Kihyun doesn’t deserve to live with that weight on his shoulders.

 

But he can’t do anything to change it.

 

“Don’t think about it,” he says instead. “There’s no use dwelling on things we can’t do anything about.”

 

Kihyun hums, but doesn’t say anything else. He isn’t convinced, Hoseok can feel it, through the tense line in Kihyun’s shoulder to the nervous fidget of his fingers in Hoseok’s larger hand.

 

He rubs his cheek against Kihyun’s neck instead. “Hey. I mean it. We’re not going to let anything happen to you.”

 

Kihyun freezes then, every muscle going taunt and stiff beneath Hoseok’s gentle touch, but then he shrugs out from beneath Hoseok and turns around to slot himself between his legs. Hoseok’s arms instinctively follow and come to rest on Kihyun’s arms, shoulders, and then he’s looking straight into the epicentre of the storm again, and Hoseok is hypnotized.

 

But Kihyun doesn’t stop for long, leaning in to steal a kiss before Hoseok has a chance to react, and then another, and another, and soon he is pushing Hoseok down to the ground as he kisses him with an almost feverish desperation, much needier, much more dominant than Kihyun usually is, but Hoseok can’t do anything but respond to the currents, letting Kihyun wash him away like a helpless ragdoll.

 

He is flushed when Kihyun pulls away, just an inch, just enough to leave Hoseok trailing after in anticipation as he opens his eyes again and sees the resignation etched in Kihyun’s frown, the slight tremble on his lips.

 

“I know,” Kihyun whispers against Hoseok’s mouth, almost inaudibly. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

 

 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 

 

They are on the move when the next quake hits, making their way across a mountain when the foundation under their feet shift and roars, sending them all to the ground as they rattle and rock splits further down, tearing the Earth in half and calling upon gravity to swallow any unfortunate souls in the vicinity. The mountain is almost caught in the hunt as well, but the crack stops at the foot of it, breaking off and twisting in another direction before ebbing out into a little line in the grass.

 

But the trembles continue, vicious and violent, for several minutes, and they clutch at each other as they pray for it to end sooner rather than later, before it picks up, before the mountain shakes loose and another pelting flock of boulders come running at them.

 

Hoseok has Kihyun buried in his chest, pressing his nose into his hair in his newfound habit of comfort, rubbing his shoulders and whispering into his ears. He can’t tell if Kihyun feels or hears it, but it helps him feel like he is fighting the brutal, divine forces raging around them.

 

It stops, eventually, after a lifetime or minutes, and they slowly pick themselves up while waiting for the aftershocks. There are bound to be some, but they never know when, how powerful. Predictability isn’t something they can rely on anymore.

 

“Everyone okay?” Hyunwoo calls out, and there are quiet mutters of confirmation in response. Changkyun runs down to pick up a misplaced rucksack, and Hyungwon is by Minhyuk’s side, trying to ease him back up in a sitting position without aggravating his legs too much.

 

Hoseok loosens his grip around Kihyun’s shoulders, lets him breathe again as they stumble upright together, but he can’t quite place the forlorn look on Kihyun’s face.

 

“You alright?” He asks quietly, brushing his thumb under one of Kihyun’s cloudy eyes.

 

Kihyun nods, slowly, quietly. “Yeah. Fine.”

 

Hoseok doesn’t believe him, but chalks it up to painful memories of the last quake, previous quakes, quakes he endured with someone else at his side.

 

Quakes he endured alone.

 

It’s never going to be easy.

 

“Okay,” he says instead, and presses his lips to Kihyun’s forehead in an almost futile, but well-intended gesture of support.

 

Kihyun doesn’t say anything else, but they are both trying to pick up their dropped bags or discarded equipment when Jooheon’s shout has them at full alert again.

 

“Guys! Look!” Jooheon points behind them, back towards the water, so far in the distance now –

 

Of course it wasn’t going to last.

 

The ocean is always chasing them, hunting them down, and of course it wasn’t going to let an opportunity like this slip away.

 

The huge wave is rising in the distance, getting ready to close in on them again and bury them alive if they don’t move.

 

They were going around the mountain, originally, because the peak is nothing but a sharp tip interrupting their way, but now it seems like their only chance.

 

They can’t stay down here.

 

No one does anything but stare at the wave for a second. Then –

 

“Move!” Hoseok shouts, sending a look to Hyunwoo to make him run up ahead, scout the way, and tosses his backpack at Jooheon. “Take this – Hyungwon, let’s get Minhyuk.”

 

Hyungwon is already there, putting Minhyuk’s arm over his shoulder and preparing to host him up.

 

Hoseok touches Kihyun’s arm one more time, questioning, demanding.

 

Kihyun gives a weak smile in return. “I’ll be fine,” he assures Hoseok. “Take care of Minhyuk.”

 

And Hoseok has to believe him. He trusts Kihyun, and Changkyun will be there if he needs help.

 

It has to be fine.

 

He moves to stand beneath Minhyuk’s other shoulder, tossing the skinny arm across his back as they start running. It’s a little bit awkward at first, trying to adjust their heights and grips and not putting too much pressure on Minhyuk’s injured leg, but they fall into a kind of rhythm soon enough.

 

Until the trembles start again.

 

“Shit, shit, shit!” The ground is rumbling beneath them, shaking with energy waiting for release as the wave creeps closer and closer in on their backs. The trembles are not as bad as before, but it’s a disruption, making their movements so much more difficult. They need to get up _now_ , hoping to ride the wave out if they can reach the top of the slope, but their ascent is slow, and Hoseok feels a rush of panic as they drag Minhyuk up the rocky climb.

 

They’re lucky it’s not raining, otherwise the trek would have been impossible at such a high speed, even if seven pairs of healthy legs. But they are not about to leave Minhyuk behind – they can’t.

 

“I’m sorry, guys,” He keeps gasping out as they hobble up, in between pained grunts and laboured breaths that stem from more than exhaustion.

 

Hyungwon hushes him immediately and pinches Minhyuk’s arm a little to emphasize his point, but he can’t divert too much energy from their run, and Minhyuk needs his concentration to keep upright.

 

They climb up more rocks and struggles around boulders, occasionally halting their pace to let Hyunwoo drag Minhyuk up from a higher position, before picking up their run again. It’s tiring, his muscles ache and his lungs feel like they are constricted and exploding at the same time, but they can’t afford to pause. The waves are getting closer, rising, and pebbles and small rocks shake as they move past.

 

Hoseok has half a belief that they are not going to make it in time. That they are going to be swallowed up before they reach the high point of the little mountain.

 

Or maybe they make it, but the waves swallow them anyway. Maybe it’s just too high – he glances over his shoulder at the threatening black mass in the distance – it’s impossible to say exactly how big it is.

 

Maybe it is going to smash the mountain to pieces and they drown, beneath masses of water shattered rock, led away by the stream until they sink to the bottom of the ocean and become buried by waste and broken elements of what used to be their world.

 

They climb up one final, sharp edge that marks the end of the dangerous climb and stretches out into a little plateau before rising in a slack elevation towards the peak. That’s it, that’s their goal, come what may, and it’s their best chance to survive this attack. It’s still further up than the plateau, and though it would be tempting to stop and catch their breaths, to watch the storm play out, they can’t take any chances.

 

The waves are getting closer, and Hoseok thinks he sees them rise just above his head.

 

“Come on!” He says and starts leading Minhyuk and Jooheon, taking over from Hyungwon, up the final distance. Hyunwoo is already running ahead like the extra backpacks on his shoulders are nothing, Hyungwon hot on his heels. The boulders are sparser up here, and it doesn’t take much effort to drag Minhyuk up the final hill.

 

And yet when they reach the top, Hoseok barely has the energy to deposit Minhyuk carefully unto the ground before collapsing next to him, panting harshly and trying to settle his shaking muscles.

 

“We made it,” he breathes towards the sky, the low, dark cloud and the rumbling thunder in the distance. So far away, hopefully far enough. There is no telling how long they will be trapped up here.

 

But they made it to the top. Despite his doubts, they made it to the top before the wave caught them, and if there is anywhere they’ll be safe, it’s going to be here.

 

Another close call, closer than anything has been in a while, but at least they pulled through.

 

He hears his relief mirrored in the grunts and sighs of the boys around him, in Minhyuk’s mumbled gratitude and Changkyun’s hopeful whistle.

 

But there is still a sinking feeling in his chest, weighing him down and gnawing at his chest, and it tugs the corner of his mouth down and leaves a sour taste on his tongue. He tries to calm himself, there was nothing more they could have done, if they are caught by the wave, they still fought to the end, they still went out valiantly –

 

That’s not it.

 

He is not scared of the wave rising to take them up here.

 

There is something else.

 

“Kihyun?” He sits up with a start, looking around at their little group as the panic returns with stabbing ferocity, because Kihyun is nowhere in sight. “Kihyun?!”

 

He had followed the climb alright. Changkyun helped him when he needed to, guided him around the difficult parts and dragged him along in the right directions. He was alright, he even followed over the final clifftop, he –

 

The waves are too close now, hitting the base of the mountain any moment. Hoseok jumps to his feet, and behind him Hyunwoo and Changkyun do the same, alerted by his concern.

 

“Kihyun!”

 

He looks down in the direction they came from, down the final slope and at the plateau –

 

There he is.

 

Just standing there, alone and small, facing the approaching waves as if looking at them, listening to the noisy roar of their race, coming to swallow him up.

 

Why isn’t he running?

 

“Kihyun!!” He calls again, with desperation, and his feet start moving down again before he even realizes what he’s doing. But then Changkyun and Hyunwoo are there, arms on his shoulders, around his chest, holding him back when he starts to fight, because don’t they see? Don’t they care? He needs to get down again and bring Kihyun to the top now, otherwise –

 

The panic suffocates his breath and tears are streaming down his face, but he doesn’t even notice. His vision is narrowing in at Kihyun, Kihyun, Kihyun, down in an exposed area, he’ll get hit, the water is almost on top of him now, preparing to grab him and steal him away from Hoseok forever –

 

Kihyun turns, shifting towards the top now, and time freezes. The sounds go mute in his ears, the cold brushes off and his mind detaches from his body long enough that there is nothing, nothing but Kihyun that even exists in this world. Hoseok can see his expression from a hundred yards away, a hundred yards above, it’s going to be imprinted in his mind forever, and it’s not right, because Kihyun looks – he looks –

 

He looks relieved.

 

He smiles.

 

Then it all starts up again, and the huge, black wave crashes down on the plateau, drowning it and a good portion of the slope up towards the peak, and Hoseok’s last view of Kihyun is pale, icy blue before the water stoops down on him like a vicious predator closing in on its victim.

 

Then he is gone, dragged away and crushed beneath the forces of a vengeful nature.

 

“NO!” Hoseok screams and lunges against the hold, trying to make his way towards the tumultuous and lapping water that threatens to creep upwards on the slope, trying to get down there, to the swallowed plateau, to _Kihyun –_

But there is nothing there now, he knows, he realizes, nothing but barren, drowned ground and destroyed sacrifices.

 

Kihyun isn’t there anymore.

 

 

Kihyun is gone.

 

 

“No! Kihyun!”

 

“Hoseok, stop!” Hyunwoo grunts as he tries to wrestle Hoseok back against one of the slabs of rock by the rest of their group. “It’s too late!”

 

“No!” He knows it. He knows it’s true, he saw it with his own eyes, mere seconds ago – but he doesn’t want it to be. “He can’t – he – “

 

“I’m sorry, Hoseok, but you can’t go down there!” Hyunwoo keeps shouting, barely making himself heard over the roar of the waves still fighting beneath them, crashing into the sides of the mountain and bouncing off, into each other and spraying more water, smaller waves, creating an endless storm beneath them as the one brewing above. “It’s no use!”

 

“Kihyun!”

 

“He’s dead!” It’s Changkyun this time, and Hoseok would punch him, really wants to strike out and put his anger and despair into something that resists, that _deserves_ to feel the same agony as he experiences, but that’s not Changkyun.

 

Kihyun is dead.

 

Done.

 

Already washed out of his life as if he was never there – not leaving a single trace behind.

 

Except for the imprint in Hoseok’s heart.

 

“Kihyun…”

 

Gone.

 

For the rest of eternity.

 

Eternity should be shorter than it sounds.

 

He lets go and sinks to the ground, Hyunwoo and Changkyun letting him.

 

The grass is grey beneath his knees, wizened and dead, just like everything else in this forsaken world.

 

Hoseok would ask himself _why,_ why, why, but he knows. He always knew, deep down.

 

He just wanted to be wrong.

 

But now he’s asking himself why regardless. Except he’s not asking about Kihyun this time, he’s asking about himself.

 

And he’s back to having no answer.

 

He sobs and curls in on himself while the storm rages, while Changkyun hugs him from behind and wets his jacket with heavy tears as well, while Hyungwon and Jooheon sets up the tent and Hyunwoo stacks rocks to create a windshield, while Minhyuk fills the silence with songs and hums.

 

 

It feels like a raw, gaping hole in his chest, and Hoseok thought, he _thought_ he had found the answer by now, only to have it ripped away before his eyes. Leaving – surrendering to the world.

 

The notion weighs on his shoulders like the waves crashing down on the rocky ground beneath Kihyun’s feet, heavy, powerful, bigger and more powerful than Hoseok himself has proven to be.

 

He can’t see what tomorrow is going to bring.

 

The others take cover inside the tent when night falls, but Hoseok stays outside. Still crouched by the edge of their settlement, still looking out over the waters. They have settled a bit now, but the waves are never still. Falling, slightly, hour by hour and revealing the plateau just like they saw it yesterday.

 

 

But it’s different from how it was when they saw it earlier. Kihyun isn’t there anymore, and the cliff looks strangely empty, like something vital is missing from it’s structure.

 

It’s wishful thinking.

 

It’s because Hoseok knows he will see that image, the final second on that plateau just before the flood hit, until the day he dies.

 

Whenever that may be.

 

In the morning, the water has sunk enough for them to deem it safe to descend again, and they pack up the tent in silence.

 

Later, Hoseok finds a simple knife with a wooden shaft tucked away in his backpack. He tosses it out into the sea where it belongs.

 

Minhyuk and Changkyun keep crying, but Hoseok doesn’t have any tears left.

 

All he has is numbness and doubts.

 

They go down to the plains and woodlands and broken cities again.

 

They keep going.

 

They keep surviving.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, it's never a happy time for Kiho. 
> 
> Mind you, this was supposed to be a hi, k, bye from Kihyun, but obviously Kiho wanted something else. I still can't give them a happy ending though. soz
> 
> I had half a mind to call it "Tiger Moth" or "One More Day" but then I realized I should actually come up with real titles for my fics instead of naming them after Starship songs.
> 
> Also, Starship family cameos because Kihyun and Seungwoo are practically brothers already, and bless K.Will for being Kihyun's mentor. Wheesung is there because his and K.Will's friendship gives me life.
> 
> I hope you were able to enjoy this, despite the grim and stupid situations I keep putting them in. And my somewhat repetitive descriptions of Kihyun's eyes.


End file.
